Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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