I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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