Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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