pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
