I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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