dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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