At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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