I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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