Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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