I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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