today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
