using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
