I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
