Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
