do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
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I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
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I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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