broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I fill condoms, not promises.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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