if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
