she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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