I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
