i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
