one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
