we're chasing vodka with high fives
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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