don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Text me some of your sweat
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
