When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
