i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
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