Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
