The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
