nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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