can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
