My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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