did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
she peed on how many people?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
