mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
