I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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