I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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