arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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