I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
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