her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
