the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
