the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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