never play flip cup with pint glasses
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
