and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
