Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
