Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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