she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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