I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Randomize
