She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
