you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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