woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
