Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Randomize
