It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
