Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
