it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
