seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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