your parents love me but you hate me
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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