You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
