Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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