If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
