I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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