just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
