Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
