They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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